Friday, September 27, 2013

Consequences: Removing the Sense of Entitlement in Kids

I have been reading a thread on Facebook about a little boy who had been misbehaving at school and his mom was trying to reconcile the consequences to the punishment she laid out for him if his behavior didn't improve.  There's lots I have to say about this so I decided to blog about it so I could really elaborate my opinion.  As a mom who has raised three happy, well-adjusted, polite young men I feel I have something to say on this matter.

A little background....

The little boy was getting his color changed at his pre-school...you know, the color system that teachers use on elementary age school kids that we as parents don't get and don't think is sometimes the fairest thing that they do? Well, his color was changed to red several days so his mom decided that he had to have further punishment if his behavior did not change.  She decided to take away something that they little boy was looking forward to...a well known children's show that travels the country.  She was trying to reconcile what she said would happen with the fact that she has already paid for his show and the fact that he was so young and would be disappointed.  She put it out there asking other parents for their opinions on what she should do.  She got varied answers, some of which had me scratching my head in disbelief.  I still do not know what she has chosen to do.

So, this is my opinion on this subject that I hope parents read and take to heart.  Some of it will be comments on what other parents advised and others will just be my opinion.

At such a young age, sometimes the consequences outweigh the bad behavior.  Some people say that kids aged 4 or 5 may not associate the bad behavior with what you have said will be the consequences if they do not change the behavior.  Is this always the case with every child?  I don't know.  But as parents when we say we will do something, we have to do it because if we don't then they learn that we don't mean what we say.  I do know that that is not a good thing.  You have to say what you mean and mean what you say.

Let me give you an example....I am not the parent who buys whatever my kids ask for.  As a matter of fact, I don't buy them much of anything they ask for unless it is necessary for school.  This includes the candy and crap at grocery stores.  I watch parents at stores all the time give in to whining kids.  In order to stop the noise they say "OK! JUST PUT IT IN THE BASKET! BUT DON'T ASK FOR ANOTHER THING!"  Do you really think that works?  No.  I see them ten minutes later saying the same thing.  What is this teaching the children?  In my opinion, not a damn thing.  They see that mom has said no but she buys it anyway if I make enough noise and begin to embarrass her too much.  We we say no, we need to mean it.

Now I know that this example is a simple one, but where do you think kids begin to learn that we will give in?  As moms, we take our kids shopping with us when they are little.  They want candy, they want toys.  Sometimes we just don't have the extra money to afford these things and kids just do not understand that.  So what is giving in to them teaching them?  It is teaching them that we don't really mean it when we say no.  Now I know we want our kids to have things...but just buying them everything they want is not the way to give it to them.  They need to earn it.  Good behavior gets you farther than bad behavior...or at least I feel it does.  Teaching kids this now is so much better in the long run for them and for the world.

I have seen what teaching kids to work for things as opposed to handing them everything does for them.   I know of kids who have been handed everything and feel like they are entitled to whatever they want without working for any of it.  So how do we break the cycle?  It's hard, but as parents, we need to break it.

When you say something, mean it.  No matter how young they are they will understand.  And, by no means, NEVER say that you feel a teacher has it out for your child...ESPECIALLY DO NOT SAY THIS TO THE CHILD.  Some of the parents who responded to this plea said take him to the show because he wouldn't understand why he wasn't going.  Does he need to understand the why?  Or does he just need to know that mommy said he wouldn't go?  I have seen some of the comments this little boys has made as she has posted them on facebook...he's a very bright little boy.  Starting now with the consequences that you set out will lay the foundation for future times you have to punish them.  If you don't start now, when do you start?  Do you keep saying he's too young to understand?  Then you've created a pattern that you cannot get out of...and you've created an entitlement in your kids that you now have to deal with.  It might hurt you when you are doling out the punishment...it might hurt the child...but you have to sometimes hurt so you can grow and learn from the experience.

Kids understand more than we give them credit for and we need to stop underestimating them.  Let them hurt for not behaving.  It will be good for them in the long run....just ask my kids.

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