Transitions Are Not Always Easy: Guest Post by Lara Neves

Watching your kids grow up is hard. As much as I adore celebrating birthdays with my children, a little part of me hates it. I hate seeing them grow older because I desperately miss their past selves. Sometimes, when I am watching family videos from several years ago my heart just aches to hold my babies again, or to see my adorable toddlers again, or even just to have them be six years old again! Man, this mommy business is difficult!

When my eldest daughter went to her first day of Kindergarten, I was a mess. How on earth was I going to hand my little 4-year-old (yes--FOUR--she didn't turn five until October) to someone else for the day? I stayed as strong as I could while getting her situated in her new classroom, but as soon as I got in the car, I bawled all the way home.

This year, that same daughter will be starting her first year of HIGH SCHOOL. I don't even know what my life has come to because I am definitely not old enough to be the mother of a high school freshman!

These kinds of big school transitions are especially difficult for parents because they are just as new for us as they are for our children. And let's not forget that these transitions are not usually easy for the kids, either, which gives mom and dad even more anxiety about the whole thing.

It doesn't have to be that way, though. Growing up is unfortunately necessary, and we can't keep our children little forever. We need to help them through these transitions as best we can without creating extra difficulty because it is hard for us. Here are a few things that have helped me:

Talk to Parents Who Have Already Been Through It

Part of the problem is that everything is so unknown, as I mentioned before. This year, my middle daughter will begin middle school. I am not nearly as angsty about this transition as I am about my eldest starting high school. Why? Because I know what to expect. Bria did not die from attending middle school, and so I am fairly confident that Chloe will not die, either.

If this is the first time you are navigating the educational transition as a parent, find other parents who have done it before. (Preferably parents whose children are attending the same schools yours are.) Ask them as many questions as you can think of. Seriously, dump all your worries on them--they'll be happy to answer because they know what it's like. It's nice to know what you and your child will be facing well ahead of time.

What are the teachers like? What is the homework policy? How does the busing system work? What are the extracurricular activities like? Etc.

Communicate With Your Child

Chances are that you aren't the only one with anxiety. Kids aren't sure what to expect during these transitions, either. Spend a good portion of the summer just talking with them and finding out what their concerns are. And then do your best to resolve those concerns.

My daughter was so worried about memorizing her locker combination and being able to even open her locker when she first went to middle school. Our solution was that we would go in a couple days before school started (in our district you are allowed to do that) and practice until she felt completely comfortable.

When my youngest daughter was just starting Kindergarten, she was very worried about taking the bus home by herself after lunch since Kindergarten was half-day and she wouldn't have her older sister with her. I called the school to find out the protocol and we discussed it every day for several weeks before school started. When the bus dropped her off that first day, she was a very triumphant 5-year-old because she had been prepared.



I have found that by working to alleviate my children's concerns, that my own are resolved in the process. Part of my worry is that my kid won't be able to unlock her locker or get home on the bus, so when I help her work through it, my own worries dissipate. It's kind of amazing.

Rely on Family Traditions--or Create New Ones!

Finally, I have found that when I work hard to make the beginning of the school year memorable for my kids, I don't have to think about all my worries as much. We have a few diehard traditions at our house for the beginning of the school year and they get the whole family excited about what could otherwise be a really anxious time.

Our favorite Back-to-School tradition is having our Back-to-School Feast the night before school starts. We introduce a family theme for the school year, have an amazing meal, and then do a fashion show where the girls model what they will wear on the first day.

The year Bria, my eldest, went into middle school I wanted to focus on that big transition with our family theme. So it was "I Can Do Hard Things." I loved the way she internalized it, as did my other two children. It helped me a lot that year, too. We can do hard things--and watching our kids grow up is hard, remember?



Last year, my youngest had recently had a diagnosis of Celiac so we focused our theme more on healthy eating:



If you don't already have Back-to-School traditions, it's never too late to start! Ice-cream for breakfast, special school supply/clothes shopping dates, fancy dinners--anything wonderful you can think of to help you and your child look forward to school starting.

Even though Bria is a lot older than she was when we first started our Back-to-School feasts, she still wants to wear the silly homemade crown I make for them. She loves it. It's something to cling to.

And it's something for me to cling to as well.

I'll just have to think of something really amazing for her next educational transition: College. Thankfully, I have four years to digest that information.

Here's to an amazing school year for the kids AND the parents!

Lara is the mother to three beautiful, brilliant and bossy daughters. She’s married to The Maestro, Orchestra Conductor extraordinaire. When she isn’t working on her mother of the year status, you can find her singing professionally, teaching voice lessons at the University, taking lots and lots of photographs, listening to opera, finding a good deal on groceries, or reading a good book. (that is, if she’s not blogging). She blogs at www.overstuffedlife.com, where she writes about parenting, home organization, photography, gluten-free living, and all of the other things that comprise her overstuffed life.

Okay or Not Okay?

I want you to watch this video before you read this post:

Now that you watched (you did, right?)....what do you think?  If you couldn't view the video...go to Outrage at ESPN.  Think about that while you read my take.

Here's my take:  I have three boys.  I have always told them that there is no reason in this world to ever hit a girl.  NONE!  That has always been my rule.  I don't believe that boys should put a hand on a girl...ever.  I found out recently that my ex had David convinced that it was against the law to ever hit a girl.  Well, it worked.  He believed his dad.  

But let me say this:  While I still do not think that a man should ever hit a woman because he thinks he can or because he thinks she did something to deserve it, I think a man should be able to defend himself just as a woman should be able to in the same situation.  If a woman is being abused and she decides enough is enough and strikes back, usually she is completely vindicated because the man is, well, a man and he was abusing her.  This is true even if she kills the man.  But...what if a man has been abused by a woman?

Yes, it happens.  If the man strikes back, would he then be vindicated or would he be put underneath the jail?  If a woman comes at a man because she is angry and she is railing on him, should the man just take it?  Should he just lay there and let her beat the crap out of him or should he stop her?  One hit that stops her?  Is that okay?  You can stop someone without beating the hell out of them....is that acceptable?  Or is it unacceptable for a man to defend himself in any situation? 

So what do you think?  Leave me a comment.  Let me know what you think about this subject.  I'm sure there are many opinions out there.

Because I Can't Afford To

I read an article just this week about a mom who drove her Mercedes to pick up food stamps (actually WIC) and how she was looked at when people saw her drive up in that particular car.  The article was in the Washington Post and was titled "This is What Happened When I Drove My Mercedes to Pick Up Food Stamps."

This article hit home for me.  Why?  Well, I don't drive a Mercedes, but if I did own one and it was the car I needed to drive at that particular moment, it would be the car I would drive.  No, it hit home for me because I have been asked a question similar to one she was asked..."why don't you sell the car?"....but in my case, it's "why don't you sell your house?"

My answer to that question is simple:  Because I can't afford to sell my house. 

This mom was driving a car that was paid off that her husband had purchased before they were married and had twins and a home....and before her husband lost his job two weeks before she gave birth.   This car wasn't a slap in the face of those who drove up to that same church in cars that were maybe barely running or that were much older and much less extravagant as a Mercedes.  It was the car that was running that day.  It was the car she needed at that time. 

I was asked by a very good friend why I didn't just sell my house.  He asked me this as I was in the middle of yet another crisis at my house...no hot water because the water heater was leaking.  It costs money to fix things like hot water heaters and appliances and a/c unit, which right now I don't have the money to spend on such things.  So why don't I sell my house?  Why don't I just rid myself of the stress of worrying about broken appliances or water heaters or other such things that go wrong when you are a homeowner?

Because I can't afford to sell my house.

Right now, my mortgage payment is $770.95.  Yep.  That's what it is.  There are few three bedroom apartments in Beaumont, and even if I did want to move in to one, they rent for over $1000 a month.  My monthly child support is all we live on right now.  That's $1500 a month.  I can't afford to live anywhere except my house right now.  That's why I don't move. 

Not because I just want to stay in this house and deal with crises when they arise.  I stay in this house because I can't afford to sell it. 

Before you look at people who may be in the same situation as either me or the mom in this article, maybe stop to think that the situation isn't one we choose to be in...it's just what we do because we can't afford to do differently. 

My Resume

As you may have noticed, I am updating my blog to better network myself.  I have added a link to the posts about BISD that I have written, plus I have added a page telling you a little about me and one that shows where my footprint can be found online.

Today, I added a page that has my resume on it.  I'm not sure this will help me get a job, but maybe if someone actually read my blog (which I hope someone is) that maybe if they see my resume, something will click and it will help me get a job somewhere.

Light At The End Of The Tunnel

Parenting is a daily work in progress.  It isn't easy.  It is the hardest job in the world and one of the most rewarding.  I have been at it for 21 years now and I still wonder sometimes if I make the right decisions about things. 

I have decided to live by the rule that some things just aren't worth the fight.  If the dishwasher doesn't get unloaded at night, then I will do it in the morning and not make a big deal about it.  If a bedroom is a mess, as long as it isn't a hazardous mess for everyone in the house, I don't have to live in there and if that's the way they want to live, so be it.  It has taken me a long time to get to this point.  It has been a long tunnel to get through, but I finally see the light.

I listen to parents talk about how their kids don't want them to volunteer at their school or be around them because they will embarrass them...yeah, we probably will embarrass you, but you don't have a choice.  This is something I think my kids learned early on.  When Brenham started Kindergarten, I started volunteering on the days when Nicholas and David were at MDO.  I was at the school doing things like making copied and delivering things to classrooms.  I helped with parties.  I was homeroom mom.  I was there.  There were days when I took Nicholas and David with me, and then when Nicholas started continued with taking David.  By the time David started Kindergarten, all three boys were in the same school, so I was really spending a lot of hours volunteering.  I think the secret to being at the school and not having the boys tell me I couldn't was that I didn't hover around them while I was there.  If I saw them in the hall, I may or may not have said hello to them.  I didn't follow them around school.  They knew I was there, but they really didn't see me. 

When Brenham entered middle school, I started going to the middle school to volunteer as well.  I think a lot of parents think that once elementary school is over, so is the opportunity to volunteer.  That is not the case at all.  Middle schools and high schools need volunteers just as much as elementary schools do.  I went on field trips and band trips and choir trips.  I served on the PTA board and not only went to dances, I was the one organizing them.  I served ice cream and made copies and eventually became a sub for the district. 

When high school rolled around, I became a band mom pretty much full time.  For two years I had kids in three schools on three different sides of town and I managed to be at each of them at some point during the week.  By that time they knew telling me I couldn't wasn't even an option.  I never had one of them ask me not to be somewhere.  They knew I wouldn't listen to them anyway, so why even waste the breath? 

I had hard years.  The first years after my ex left to work in Virginia (we were still married then) were hard.  Brenham was starting middle school and that was enough of a change without having it compounded with dad not being around.  I had panic attacks and days when I didn't think I would make it.  But I did.  Not only did I make it, I think I did so very well.  Those years when the kids are at that age when hormones take over the innocent babies we want them to stay are not fun, but there is a light at the end of that tunnel.

How do you get there?  Stop being your child's best friend.  Be his parent.  But do so with love and respect and they will return the love and respect.  Remember that some things are not worth fighting over.  If it isn't going to hurt them, it isn't going to hurt to let it go. 

I tell people all the time I had the strangest teenagers I have ever known.  They never really fought with me.  They made/make good grades.  They didn't get in trouble in school.  They haven't been reckless drivers.  They don't run the roads at all hours.  They are home before 10:00.  They don't give me grief.  I really don't know where they came from, but I know that the young men they are now is from hard work on all our parts.  I know I probably have an outlook that is different from the way things really were, but I also know I have some pretty darn good kids.

And that light....it just gets brighter and brighter!

Proud Mom Moment

This coming Saturday, my oldest child, the one who has been with me the longest, is going to be on stage in a recital hall in the Butler School of Music at the University of Texas at Austin for his Junior Recital.  When he first told me that this would be happening, I was amazed at how fast time has gone by.

It seems like just yesterday I was seeing him off on his very first solo trip to Austin for freshman orientation.  That day, I was supposed to go with him but realized that I couldn't just go and leave Nicholas and David at home.  I mean, what was I thinking?  So, I did the only thing I could do...I put my trust in God and in Brenham and I waved goodbye to him as he started on his journey.  He did fine that week.  He went to lots of orientation information meetings, he made friends, and he realized that Austin was where he was supposed to be.  He had found his new home.

Now, three years later, he is a junior and is hosting this recital for everyone to come enjoy.  Not only has he found his home, he has grown exponentially in his music studies.  He has had an amazing teacher who has nurtured his voice and it shows.  I always knew he was talented, but the extent of his talent has gone beyond anything I ever imagined.  He sings opera.  Opera.  I don't know very many opera singers who weigh about as much as a feather.  The voice that comes out of him is phenomenal.  It shocks everyone when he sings.

So on Friday, Nicholas, David and my self will be heading to Austin to listen to this wonderfully talented young man sing.  I am so very proud of him and all of his accomplishments.  If you are in Austin this weekend, please come hear him.  The recital is free and there will be a reception afterward.  He would love to have a full house. 

Six Things

I am posting this because I can...this is my blog after all. 

1. Due to a heart defect that was not detected until I was 15 months old, I died twice before I was 15 mos. My parents were told one time I was without oxygen in my brain for 12 minutes....so now you know what's wrong with me....LOL!

2. I am deathly afraid of roaches....not the little ones....the ones that will fly at you.

3. I am afraid I will die by drowning. This is really ironic if you consider the fact that I am the one who makes sure our neighborhood pool is running efficiently.

4. I have a 26 year old son who is of mixed race. I put him up for adoption and hope to meet him some day.

5. It took me 26 years from my high school graduation to finally graduate from college.

6. If I could be with one person for the rest of my life, I already know who I want that person to be. And that's all I am saying about that.....so don't even ask.

The Joys of Owning Appliances

For a while my washing machine has been making a noise while it is running.  It is a front loader that has a broken piece where the latch makes the door lock.  It's a little annoying and can usually be fixed by a little duck tape around the thing that goes in the latch.  But not today.

I can't find the duck tape.  So my washer refuses to start.  The door will not register as locked.  I know I need to get this fixed, but like a lot of other things around here, it will just have to wait.  For now I am hoping that unplugging the washer and allowing it to reset it's memory will make it work.

Now all I am waiting on is David so he can move the washer.

Getting Lost in All of the Hecticness of Life

I realize that I made a pledge to post to this blog more often...and maybe I should have taken the lead from Lara at Overstuffed and done the NaBloPoMo, which is the National Blog Posting Month, where you promise to blog every day in November; but alas I didn't, so you get what you get from me when you get it.

On top of this being the beginning of the busiest time of the year, a lot is happening in my life right now that takes my attention away from blogging.  As I have mentioned before, I have a brother-in-law who is fighting cancer.  He is nearing the end of this fight and that takes a lot of mental time which could be used other places.  I drove my mother-in-law and sister-in-law to Austin on Tuesday to see him and drove home on Wednesday.  This was an unplanned trip that was necessary.  I spend Thursday worrying about them driving home after a not so restful night and then sitting with my SIL at her house just talking when she got home.  Mentally exhausting, but necessary things.

One bright thing out of this week was I got to see Brenham.  I haven't seen him since June and will get to see him again this weekend which I am very much looking forward to.  He has his directorial debut this weekend with the Madrigal Dinner that is put on each year by students at UT.  Last year we went and the show was on David's birthday....this year it is on my birthday, so this is my birthday present to me.

I am also in the process of doing alternative certification to teach.  This requires a lot of computer time that I have not gotten to get enough in this week.  Plus, it's the week before Thanksgiving and I have to start making my homemade rolls.  With my bread machine, each batch of dough takes and hour and a half.  Then I make the rolls and put them in a pan to put in the freezer.  These are the best rolls, so I make plenty.  Each batch only produces about 12-16 rolls, so it takes me a while.

David finally is finished with band practice so he's home earlier until after Thanksgiving when soccer practice starts.  OH....and I am working on all of the web stuff for Beaumont Little Dribblers.  AND, we only have one car at the moment, so trying to get everyone where they need to go is a chore.  Nicholas takes the car to school, a neighbor takes David to school and I sit until they get home.  Then if Nicholas has work, depending on how I feel and if David needs to be picked up, he may or may not take his car.

I am doing all of this to get to a place in my life where I can buy a car and I have a full time job and we have money to go see Brenham more often....or maybe get him home.  I know I will get there, but right now it just seems like it is hopeless...but at least I have all of this hecticness to keep me busy.

Permission

"Give yourself permission to follow the path that makes you happy."

I was talking to someone today...someone who is very special to me.  He has affected such a change in my life and I know my life would never be the same if he were no longer in it.

A lot of things are happening in his life that he sometimes feels like he has no control over...things I will not go into.  He and I have a relationship that is, for me, so unique and so wonderful that I tend to forget that he has all of this crap happening to him.  Sometimes when we talk we get into things that we normally don't...today was one of those days.

We were talking about how someone in his life said he needs to let go sometimes...and for a second I agreed with that assertion.  But then I had to retract that because that's not what I feel he really needs to do.  Circumstances in his life have him where he isn't happy and I hurt for him for that.  My advice to him today was to give himself permission to do what he needs to do to solve these things in his life in a way that will make him happy...even if it means that the people around him are unhappy about his decision.  He said no one ever said it to him that way.  He had never realized that he hasn't given himself permission to be happy.

I have perspective that I thought would help him since I feel like that's what my ex-husband did when he asked me for a divorce.  He decided he wasn't happy and gave himself permission to do what would make him happy.  Did I like it?  No.  Did his family like it?  Not really.  Did the kids understand and agree with him?  Not. At. All.  But he did it because he felt it would make him happy.  He gave himself permission to be happy.  Is he?  I don't know and really don't care.  But I know that I want this man in my life to be as happy as he can possibly be...so I need him to give himself permission to be happy.

Is there something in your life that you need to give yourself permission to do?  Do it.  There's no way in this world to ever keep everyone around you happy so why do you need to stay miserable?  Give yourself permission to be happy.

"There will always be a reason why you meet people; either you need them to change your life or you're the one who will change theirs."