Transitions Are Not Always Easy: Guest Post by Lara Neves

Watching your kids grow up is hard. As much as I adore celebrating birthdays with my children, a little part of me hates it. I hate seeing them grow older because I desperately miss their past selves. Sometimes, when I am watching family videos from several years ago my heart just aches to hold my babies again, or to see my adorable toddlers again, or even just to have them be six years old again! Man, this mommy business is difficult!

When my eldest daughter went to her first day of Kindergarten, I was a mess. How on earth was I going to hand my little 4-year-old (yes--FOUR--she didn't turn five until October) to someone else for the day? I stayed as strong as I could while getting her situated in her new classroom, but as soon as I got in the car, I bawled all the way home.

This year, that same daughter will be starting her first year of HIGH SCHOOL. I don't even know what my life has come to because I am definitely not old enough to be the mother of a high school freshman!

These kinds of big school transitions are especially difficult for parents because they are just as new for us as they are for our children. And let's not forget that these transitions are not usually easy for the kids, either, which gives mom and dad even more anxiety about the whole thing.

It doesn't have to be that way, though. Growing up is unfortunately necessary, and we can't keep our children little forever. We need to help them through these transitions as best we can without creating extra difficulty because it is hard for us. Here are a few things that have helped me:

Talk to Parents Who Have Already Been Through It

Part of the problem is that everything is so unknown, as I mentioned before. This year, my middle daughter will begin middle school. I am not nearly as angsty about this transition as I am about my eldest starting high school. Why? Because I know what to expect. Bria did not die from attending middle school, and so I am fairly confident that Chloe will not die, either.

If this is the first time you are navigating the educational transition as a parent, find other parents who have done it before. (Preferably parents whose children are attending the same schools yours are.) Ask them as many questions as you can think of. Seriously, dump all your worries on them--they'll be happy to answer because they know what it's like. It's nice to know what you and your child will be facing well ahead of time.

What are the teachers like? What is the homework policy? How does the busing system work? What are the extracurricular activities like? Etc.

Communicate With Your Child

Chances are that you aren't the only one with anxiety. Kids aren't sure what to expect during these transitions, either. Spend a good portion of the summer just talking with them and finding out what their concerns are. And then do your best to resolve those concerns.

My daughter was so worried about memorizing her locker combination and being able to even open her locker when she first went to middle school. Our solution was that we would go in a couple days before school started (in our district you are allowed to do that) and practice until she felt completely comfortable.

When my youngest daughter was just starting Kindergarten, she was very worried about taking the bus home by herself after lunch since Kindergarten was half-day and she wouldn't have her older sister with her. I called the school to find out the protocol and we discussed it every day for several weeks before school started. When the bus dropped her off that first day, she was a very triumphant 5-year-old because she had been prepared.



I have found that by working to alleviate my children's concerns, that my own are resolved in the process. Part of my worry is that my kid won't be able to unlock her locker or get home on the bus, so when I help her work through it, my own worries dissipate. It's kind of amazing.

Rely on Family Traditions--or Create New Ones!

Finally, I have found that when I work hard to make the beginning of the school year memorable for my kids, I don't have to think about all my worries as much. We have a few diehard traditions at our house for the beginning of the school year and they get the whole family excited about what could otherwise be a really anxious time.

Our favorite Back-to-School tradition is having our Back-to-School Feast the night before school starts. We introduce a family theme for the school year, have an amazing meal, and then do a fashion show where the girls model what they will wear on the first day.

The year Bria, my eldest, went into middle school I wanted to focus on that big transition with our family theme. So it was "I Can Do Hard Things." I loved the way she internalized it, as did my other two children. It helped me a lot that year, too. We can do hard things--and watching our kids grow up is hard, remember?



Last year, my youngest had recently had a diagnosis of Celiac so we focused our theme more on healthy eating:



If you don't already have Back-to-School traditions, it's never too late to start! Ice-cream for breakfast, special school supply/clothes shopping dates, fancy dinners--anything wonderful you can think of to help you and your child look forward to school starting.

Even though Bria is a lot older than she was when we first started our Back-to-School feasts, she still wants to wear the silly homemade crown I make for them. She loves it. It's something to cling to.

And it's something for me to cling to as well.

I'll just have to think of something really amazing for her next educational transition: College. Thankfully, I have four years to digest that information.

Here's to an amazing school year for the kids AND the parents!

Lara is the mother to three beautiful, brilliant and bossy daughters. She’s married to The Maestro, Orchestra Conductor extraordinaire. When she isn’t working on her mother of the year status, you can find her singing professionally, teaching voice lessons at the University, taking lots and lots of photographs, listening to opera, finding a good deal on groceries, or reading a good book. (that is, if she’s not blogging). She blogs at www.overstuffedlife.com, where she writes about parenting, home organization, photography, gluten-free living, and all of the other things that comprise her overstuffed life.

Light At The End Of The Tunnel

Parenting is a daily work in progress.  It isn't easy.  It is the hardest job in the world and one of the most rewarding.  I have been at it for 21 years now and I still wonder sometimes if I make the right decisions about things. 

I have decided to live by the rule that some things just aren't worth the fight.  If the dishwasher doesn't get unloaded at night, then I will do it in the morning and not make a big deal about it.  If a bedroom is a mess, as long as it isn't a hazardous mess for everyone in the house, I don't have to live in there and if that's the way they want to live, so be it.  It has taken me a long time to get to this point.  It has been a long tunnel to get through, but I finally see the light.

I listen to parents talk about how their kids don't want them to volunteer at their school or be around them because they will embarrass them...yeah, we probably will embarrass you, but you don't have a choice.  This is something I think my kids learned early on.  When Brenham started Kindergarten, I started volunteering on the days when Nicholas and David were at MDO.  I was at the school doing things like making copied and delivering things to classrooms.  I helped with parties.  I was homeroom mom.  I was there.  There were days when I took Nicholas and David with me, and then when Nicholas started continued with taking David.  By the time David started Kindergarten, all three boys were in the same school, so I was really spending a lot of hours volunteering.  I think the secret to being at the school and not having the boys tell me I couldn't was that I didn't hover around them while I was there.  If I saw them in the hall, I may or may not have said hello to them.  I didn't follow them around school.  They knew I was there, but they really didn't see me. 

When Brenham entered middle school, I started going to the middle school to volunteer as well.  I think a lot of parents think that once elementary school is over, so is the opportunity to volunteer.  That is not the case at all.  Middle schools and high schools need volunteers just as much as elementary schools do.  I went on field trips and band trips and choir trips.  I served on the PTA board and not only went to dances, I was the one organizing them.  I served ice cream and made copies and eventually became a sub for the district. 

When high school rolled around, I became a band mom pretty much full time.  For two years I had kids in three schools on three different sides of town and I managed to be at each of them at some point during the week.  By that time they knew telling me I couldn't wasn't even an option.  I never had one of them ask me not to be somewhere.  They knew I wouldn't listen to them anyway, so why even waste the breath? 

I had hard years.  The first years after my ex left to work in Virginia (we were still married then) were hard.  Brenham was starting middle school and that was enough of a change without having it compounded with dad not being around.  I had panic attacks and days when I didn't think I would make it.  But I did.  Not only did I make it, I think I did so very well.  Those years when the kids are at that age when hormones take over the innocent babies we want them to stay are not fun, but there is a light at the end of that tunnel.

How do you get there?  Stop being your child's best friend.  Be his parent.  But do so with love and respect and they will return the love and respect.  Remember that some things are not worth fighting over.  If it isn't going to hurt them, it isn't going to hurt to let it go. 

I tell people all the time I had the strangest teenagers I have ever known.  They never really fought with me.  They made/make good grades.  They didn't get in trouble in school.  They haven't been reckless drivers.  They don't run the roads at all hours.  They are home before 10:00.  They don't give me grief.  I really don't know where they came from, but I know that the young men they are now is from hard work on all our parts.  I know I probably have an outlook that is different from the way things really were, but I also know I have some pretty darn good kids.

And that light....it just gets brighter and brighter!

Consequences: Removing the Sense of Entitlement in Kids

I have been reading a thread on Facebook about a little boy who had been misbehaving at school and his mom was trying to reconcile the consequences to the punishment she laid out for him if his behavior didn't improve.  There's lots I have to say about this so I decided to blog about it so I could really elaborate my opinion.  As a mom who has raised three happy, well-adjusted, polite young men I feel I have something to say on this matter.

A little background....

The little boy was getting his color changed at his pre-school...you know, the color system that teachers use on elementary age school kids that we as parents don't get and don't think is sometimes the fairest thing that they do? Well, his color was changed to red several days so his mom decided that he had to have further punishment if his behavior did not change.  She decided to take away something that they little boy was looking forward to...a well known children's show that travels the country.  She was trying to reconcile what she said would happen with the fact that she has already paid for his show and the fact that he was so young and would be disappointed.  She put it out there asking other parents for their opinions on what she should do.  She got varied answers, some of which had me scratching my head in disbelief.  I still do not know what she has chosen to do.

So, this is my opinion on this subject that I hope parents read and take to heart.  Some of it will be comments on what other parents advised and others will just be my opinion.

At such a young age, sometimes the consequences outweigh the bad behavior.  Some people say that kids aged 4 or 5 may not associate the bad behavior with what you have said will be the consequences if they do not change the behavior.  Is this always the case with every child?  I don't know.  But as parents when we say we will do something, we have to do it because if we don't then they learn that we don't mean what we say.  I do know that that is not a good thing.  You have to say what you mean and mean what you say.

Let me give you an example....I am not the parent who buys whatever my kids ask for.  As a matter of fact, I don't buy them much of anything they ask for unless it is necessary for school.  This includes the candy and crap at grocery stores.  I watch parents at stores all the time give in to whining kids.  In order to stop the noise they say "OK! JUST PUT IT IN THE BASKET! BUT DON'T ASK FOR ANOTHER THING!"  Do you really think that works?  No.  I see them ten minutes later saying the same thing.  What is this teaching the children?  In my opinion, not a damn thing.  They see that mom has said no but she buys it anyway if I make enough noise and begin to embarrass her too much.  We we say no, we need to mean it.

Now I know that this example is a simple one, but where do you think kids begin to learn that we will give in?  As moms, we take our kids shopping with us when they are little.  They want candy, they want toys.  Sometimes we just don't have the extra money to afford these things and kids just do not understand that.  So what is giving in to them teaching them?  It is teaching them that we don't really mean it when we say no.  Now I know we want our kids to have things...but just buying them everything they want is not the way to give it to them.  They need to earn it.  Good behavior gets you farther than bad behavior...or at least I feel it does.  Teaching kids this now is so much better in the long run for them and for the world.

I have seen what teaching kids to work for things as opposed to handing them everything does for them.   I know of kids who have been handed everything and feel like they are entitled to whatever they want without working for any of it.  So how do we break the cycle?  It's hard, but as parents, we need to break it.

When you say something, mean it.  No matter how young they are they will understand.  And, by no means, NEVER say that you feel a teacher has it out for your child...ESPECIALLY DO NOT SAY THIS TO THE CHILD.  Some of the parents who responded to this plea said take him to the show because he wouldn't understand why he wasn't going.  Does he need to understand the why?  Or does he just need to know that mommy said he wouldn't go?  I have seen some of the comments this little boys has made as she has posted them on facebook...he's a very bright little boy.  Starting now with the consequences that you set out will lay the foundation for future times you have to punish them.  If you don't start now, when do you start?  Do you keep saying he's too young to understand?  Then you've created a pattern that you cannot get out of...and you've created an entitlement in your kids that you now have to deal with.  It might hurt you when you are doling out the punishment...it might hurt the child...but you have to sometimes hurt so you can grow and learn from the experience.

Kids understand more than we give them credit for and we need to stop underestimating them.  Let them hurt for not behaving.  It will be good for them in the long run....just ask my kids.